Everything and nothing

Recently my past decided to cross my path as it does from time to time. As always, it hurts a little. I've never written about it here, but this time I decided to try as a means of understanding a question that often circles around in my brain. Why do ended friendships hurt so hard?

I have been able to move on and even forgive relationships that broke my heart, yet the friendships where similar things happened have hurt me deeper and longer. I wish I knew how to change it. Is it perhaps because hurt in relationships can almost be expected whereas with friends it is not?

I used to prepare myself for betrayal by boyfriends even before it happened, steeling myself against what was surely inevitable. A self-fulfilling prophecy. But with friends? They are supposed to be your staunch defenders, your ride-or-die fellows who will be there at your best and lowest. Your supporters who will tell you that you look amazing even when your hair is plastered to your head and you have just puked your lunch into the toilet. Your family.

After a lot of introspection, I have come to believe that a lot of what happened had nothing to do with me and everything to do with me.

The nothing to do with me part: Emotions are a bitch and love so easily turns to hate when you become the embodiment of the negativity in others' lives. When friends become too close, that closeness can become stifling and in trying to establish your identify from each other, you can become each other's worst enemies. Your friendship becomes a pile of kindling and anything will light it up. The last thing anyone should ever do is to compare their lives to their friends. No matter how blessed and easy someone else's life may seem, it never quite is. Nobody is perfect and being envious is the most useless emotion that blocks you from achieving your own happiness.

The everything to do with me part: Unfortunately, I learned to be a better friend by being a not so great one. When I was younger, I was impatient and selfish. I was a good listener, but I was averse to having anyone "need" me. I had no space in my life to be a good friend. My life a few years ago was kinda messy. I was in a relationship that strained my relationships with friends, with family, and for whom I sacrificed a lot. And worst of all, it was all my choice. It wasn't all that guy's blame. I was just as unhealthy for him by allowing myself to enable the behaviours that hurt both of us. That's another story and we have both moved on better for it. With all that, I had no time to give for friends whose problems I deemed unequal to mine. Good friends don't do that. Although I still think that people need some perspective sometimes on what is worth moaning over, I think I know now that if you value your friends, you need to put aside your ego and give them your full attention.

So why am I writing all this? Maybe as a way to gain closure for myself because I'm sure I never will get that chance with the past. At the very least, I would like to understand objectively what went wrong. Also, as a way to share my experience and see what other people's have been.

I hope the past is doing better now. I know I am living life way happier than I was and everyday I am grateful to be with someone who has made me a better person and to have friends who are truly supportive of me and never judging me for my weaknesses. I hope the past can say the same.

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